Grandparents Are for Making Memories

We thank you, O Lord, for the gifts of children and grandchildren.

Grandparents are the gift that can make a profound difference in a child’s life. Grandchildren are the gifts that bring joy to the second part of grandparents’ lives. The relationship between these generations can significantly enhance both the young and the seniors.

When I began this project, it was with the metaphor of relaxing with you, the reader, at a favorite coffee shop. We’re sitting on a beautiful patio overlooking a gorgeous river scene. Beside us is a bubbling fountain surrounded by pretty flowers. It’s a serene, blue sky day when you tell me that your daughter’s romantic relationship is becoming quite intense and your son has just married. You tell me that you anticipate becoming a grandparent within the next two years. Then, you mention that your son has given you a step-grandchild who is five and one who is twelve. You add that you have embraced them, but with challenges since they live on the other side of the continent.

You ask me to tell you about my experiences and expertise on being a grandparent. I’ll share with you, not my grandparent perfection, for that I am not. Instead, I’ll share what I’ve learned, the joys my grandson has taught me, and the enormous capacity that can be generated in continuing the bond that grandparents feel when we first nestle the grandchild in our loving arms. That bond is the foundation of a relationship that can extend far beyond childhood and make a positive difference in the child’s life while bringing indescribable joy to us grandparents.

As I share what I’ve learned about this wonderful role, perhaps a good place to begin is with the end in mind—what we ultimately want to achieve. Regardless of their present age, let’s think about what it is that we want for grandchildren when they’re adults? As we consider our ultimate goals for these precious young ones, we probably use words like “happy, successful, stable, secure, of good character,” and we may include a religious description. Beginning with the end, the goal, of what we want for our grandchildren was easy for me as I reflected on some of the incredible people I’ve come to know through my work in leadership development. I’ve looked at their qualities, their skills and abilities, at how they’ve achieved success and how they’ve handled failure. From the park ranger to the chief executive of an international corporation, I’ve considered how they became who they are and how they’ve achieved such satisfying and admirable lives.

Along with my experiences of observing and working with happy, successful people of good character, I draw from my early career in teaching high school, a decade in developing and leading an elementary school, then teaching graduate students, and ultimately working in corporate America. I learned the effects of family and relationships at each age level. In contemplating this confluence of learning, I’ve found ideas to share for making grandparenting more effective and more rewarding for both grandparents and grandchildren.

Memories of Grandparents

In looking at how phenomenal the grandparents’ influence can be, let’s recall our experiences with our own grandparents. Let’s think of what we remember about them. Sometimes, our most vivid memories describe something about our relationship with them. Did you see your grandparents as often as you would have liked? Was your time with them delightful, educational, indulgent, happy? When you think of the special times with your grandparents, perhaps there are also memories of cookies, treats, stories, swimming, unique activities, or whatever made relationships with them memorable. What are your most outstanding recollections?

Are there questions you wish you’d asked your grandparents or great-grandparents— something you wish you knew about their childhoods, struggles, triumphs, and their lives? What would you like to know about the times, their school experiences, and what their lives were like as children? Think about the many things you learned from them, or wish you could have learned from them? Go beyond the trips, the activities, the stories, and the family celebrations you enjoyed with your grandparents. Think about how they talked to you and how they made you feel. How did they influence the person you are today—your character, likes and dislikes, your hobbies and interests?

Perhaps you knew how much they loved you, not only because they told you, but because of the way they treated or interacted with you. If you were fortunate enough to have seen them often and have a close relationship with them, they probably made you feel very special. Think about how they communicated unconditional love to you—or the kind of expression of love that you wanted. Certainly, we recall the treats and the activities, but for some of us, our most prominent memories are about the relationships and how grandparents made us feel.

If you didn’t have an ideal relationship with your grandparents, or they lived at a distance, you may share my grandmother’s feelings. Unfortunately, her grandparents all died before she was born, but I remember her talking about how her friends at school would bring big cookies that their grandmothers had made and were always telling about their grandparents. She talked about deciding that if she ever became a grandmother, she would be a very good one—and she was! She made beautiful memories, just as we can, regardless of whether our experience was ideal—or not so memorable.

If you didn’t know your grandparents, or perhaps you were unable to enjoy a relationship with them, what did you miss? Describe how you would have like the time with them to have been, the kinds of activities you would have enjoyed doing with grandparents, and how you would have wanted them to feel about you. In thinking about these relationships, let’s consider:

When our grandchildren are age 60, what do we want them to remember about us? What is it that’s so memorable about our own relationships with our grandparents? What do we want our grandchildren to value, as we treasure memories of our grandparents?
What kind of impact will we have made on their lives?
How will they be better because of our relationship with them?

Of course, grandparents generally want to be loved, respected, and appreciated. We want our precious grandchildren to have warm, fond memories of us. We want them to remember what they learned from us and realize the importance of their relationship with us.

If I do my job well, by the time you get to the end of this little book, you’ll have some new ideas about what your grandchildren will remember about their time with you and be even more aware of the influence that you can have in their lives. My intent in this conversation is to increase awareness of how much more we can enable grandchildren to remember. We’ll look at how we can extend our influence to make a major difference in their success as happy, stable, citizens of good character who contribute to society. In addition, maybe we can think about how we will feel when our grandchildren are teens and adults and we can see the result of our positive influence.

Naturally, there will be some indulgences of treats and gifts in our relationships with grandchildren. Maybe that’s part of the grandparent role, but our capacity can extend far beyond treats and child care. Our influence can help to shape the person that the child will become.

Becoming a Grandparent

In an ideal world, our adult children meet their prince or princess after they’re mature, have a stable career, are financially secure, and are ready to make a lifetime commitment. Yes, that’s how families begin in an ideal society, but our changing social norms may promote a different arrangement. Today’s adults may choose a mate of the same gender, become a single parent, or they may not choose to marry before having children. Their choices, and our lack of control over their choices, often contribute to conflicts between parents and the adult children.

Young people aren’t always aware that the results of their decisions may have a major impact on prospective grandparents. We’ve invested considerable time, money, and much of our lives in our children, we’ve sought the best of everything for them, from education to Christmas presents. When it comes to the choice of a mate, however, we may not always deem the timing to be right or the prospective son or daughter-in-law worthy of our precious child. Although we may hope for a different relationship, or a different mate for them, we must acquiesce and recognize that this is a decision that is not ours to make. Even when we’re certain that we could improve on the decision, we must realize that in the U.S. culture, we’re not in charge of choosing our adult children’s relationships.

We can, however, initiate diplomatic discussions. We can invite these young people to look at all sides of the issue and explore the unintended consequences. We can have conversations, attempt to guide and coach, then lament in private; but we cannot make the decisions for them. Although we can’t be too aggressive with our reservations about their choices, perhaps, we can enhance their decision making or diplomatically plant some seeds of doubt with some of the carefully chosen question in Chapter 12. Sometimes, we’re thrilled with our offsprings’ right decision making, but occasionally, we must simply accept and make the best of it.

After the mate has been chosen, the couple is committed and have children, however, the time for our guidance or attempted negotiation is over. Our job becomes to make the best of everything and adapt to this new member of the family, accepting him or her as is. Constant criticism or sarcastic jabs will not enhance family relationships. The beginning of a great relationship between grandparents and grandchildren begins, if possible, with bonding with our child’s spouse/mate/partner. Our best course is to support, encourage, and build a strong relationship with the chosen one of our adult child, even if there are aspects that are unappealing to us. The best foundation for our grandchildren will be the parents’ healthy relationship.

We adults are usually happiest when we feel in control of our own lives and are able to make the major decisions that affect our lives. Typically, however, becoming a grandparent is not a decision that we can make. Oh, we may talk about how wonderful it will be to have grandchildren, and we eventually become excited, but it’s frequently an anticipated event that’s an announcement from our adult children—not exactly a choice possible for us to make. Yet, in many ways, it’s a life-changing decision that someone else is making for us. For the first-time grandparent, it can be daunting as we think of the enormous responsibility and expectations that might be thrust upon us. We may be excited or frustrated at the timing, but nevertheless, it’s a new addition to our family, a new role, and a new experience.

I recall the Mothers Day lunch when, in the midst of my daughter and son-in-law’s accolades about what a devoted mother I’d been, my son-in-law asked how I felt about being a grandmother. I quipped something sarcastic about not being the gray-haired nana type because I was too busy traveling and doing exciting work. The perplexed look on my daughter’s face led me to quickly add that I would love being a grandmother, but maybe I’d just avoid the image. Looking relieved, she said, “Good, because guess what you’re getting for Christmas!” Of course, I was happy for them, but at the time, no one gave thought about what it would mean for me. Yes, regardless of how much or how little involvement we have in our grandchildren’s lives, we’re not usually part of the decision, but we accept it joyfully the first time we hold that adorable infant. Even though it may present challenges, unanticipated responsibilities, and even hardships, somehow, grandchildren make it all worthwhile.

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Summary

Although grandparenthood is often announced and thrust on us with the assumption that we will love the role, it’s a grand opportunity, regardless of other circumstances. We can vastly improve our effectiveness and the satisfaction that we derive if we are thoughtful, informed, and intentional in our approach. By looking at this opportunity with a long-term view—aware of our ultimate goal—rather than just a visit, a burden, or baby-sitting, we can markedly extend our influence. The satisfaction that we derive from the grandchildren, and our highly influential relationships can help to shape their character and contribute to their success.

Becoming a grandparent can produce enormous joy, pleasure, stress, resentment, and a plethora of emotions. It can create a whole new bond with our adult children, or become the basis of a new set of conflicts. Resolving our own feelings, however, we can become a source of solidarity for our families. We can be the caring, reliable adults who are a positive influence and constant source of unconditional love and support for the grandchildren. We can make a significant difference in our grandchildren’s entire lives.

We can “plant seeds” for character, stability, success, and goals for their later years while they are young. It’s my intent to suggest ideas and approaches to guide our young ones toward an exciting life of learning, away from the disasters of addiction and harmful pursuits. Even though there’s information for the first-time grandparent that might not be needed for more than a decade, by being very intentional in “seed planting” throughout childhood, we can increase the power of our impact. For the experienced grandparent, there are new ideas and information to support grandparenting from the grandchildren’s present age into young adulthood. Regardless of the starting point, the plan is to share concepts and encourage influence and memory making from the nursery to college and beyond.